All About...

One of my cherished daydreams a few years ago was that of becoming a grumpy old lady. I couldn't wait for the day when I could say whatever was on my mind and blame it on my age. I could be cantakerous and loud, and I could have a huge purse into which I'd dump napkins and sugar and ketchup packets from restaurants. I'd carry a cane and whack people who irritated me. I couldn't wait to have everything my way!

God really convicted me about my attitude. He reminded me that there was never going to be a time in which I could do whatever I wanted. I gave God my life, ALL of it, years ago. Still, I keep trying to carve out little corners for myself. Like, this weekend is MINE. Or these 20 minutes are MINE. I get really possessive of my time, and really grumpy when people interrupt me. My students have much the same attitude. I told them today that I would keep them after class 1 second for every time I had to tell them to stop talking. They got so angry! They told me I couldn't do that, that they were just going to walk out. Seriously? 1 second for every time they waste my time? They definitely earned that punishment and more, but they can't get it into their heads that classroom time is my time, not theirs. When will we learn, as followers of Christ, that all our time is His?

My dad told me today that a dear friend of my mother's is going to die within the next couple of days. She's been dying of cancer for a couple of years, but she's now reached the end. He told me about how her attitude, even in these last days, has been one of wanting her death to help her friends and family come to know the Lord. She uses every opportunity, even doped up on morphine, to witness to the people around her. How inspirational! A woman who, in the eyes of the world, has every right to be selfish, and she's selflessly spending her last earthly moments trying to introduce those she loves to Jesus. I can't even imagine what kind of impact I could have on this world if I spent my whole life with that mindset. I can imagine even less what would happen if we all did it. It's God's time.

May the words of my mouth...

The Bible talks a LOT about what we say and how important it is. I am a talker, for sure, and I am so often convicted by what the Bible says about my words and their power. I sort of see myself as a bull in the china shop... I'm big and powerful and clumsy, and every time I turn around, I break something! My mouth is powerful, but I just keep saying things without thinking them through or saying things I really shouldn't. An awful lot of it is just innocent gabbing, but I know that what I say can impact others, and I know I need to be more careful.

One thing I do with my words that I've become increasingly convicted about is complain. Now, I have a lot to complain about, don't get me wrong. But I also have a lot to be thankful for. I know that there's a time and a place for letting off steam, but there comes a point when speaking thankfulness and not frustration is more beneficial to you and to everyone around you. Thumper's mom on Bambi had it right... if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all! How hard would it be for me to change the subject or only talk about the positive aspects of those issues that bug me? At the very least, couldn't I just say one genuine, positive thing for every bad one?

I just started thinking about words and all I've learned about the importance of speaking truth and life into situations when I read an e-mail earlier today. One of my pastors sent me an e-mail of encouragement. It was only a few sentences, but it really made my day. I've spent the entire day (14 hours from the time I left home till I came back) talking with students, parents, co-workers, and various others. I've had 14 hours worth of interactions, and a quick little e-mail that probably took 1 minute to write completely changed my perception about the whole day and made me feel like I can make a difference tomorrow. Words are powerful, and we have got to learn how to wield their power for the Kingdom.

Oh....

Wow. There are so many times when I'm just floored by God, and now is one of them. This past week has been tough on me in a lot of ways. I'm not one who adjusts well to change, even good changes sometimes. Starting my work at school has been really stressful and, as much as I enjoy it, I keep feeling like I'm going to fail, like I'm just not measuring up (and I haven't even really started yet!!) As I mentioned in my last blog, one negative thought generally leads to another in my head, and suddenly I feel as if my whole world is a disaster zone. In particular, I tend to zero in on things I feel like I'm lacking and point them out to God as examples of how nothing is going right. The Big Three I always used to be frustrated by were my lack of home, family, and job. Obviously I had a place to live, and I do have a family, but I really REALLY want a family of my own with several kids and a couple of pets and a nice house and a job I like... it used to drive me crazy that nothing seemed to be coming together to make it all happen! Life just wasn't fitting into my perfect little timeline.

I decided when I was 13 that I'd get married at 23 and get started on the kids (at that time, I was thinking to have around a dozen) somewhere around the age of 25. Well... I'm pushing 25 now. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend, even. I do have a job I love, I do have an awesome dog, I am in the process of buying a fabulous house. Somehow, no matter how much I have, it never seems to measure up to what I don't. God was really speaking to me about that on my way to church on Sunday. He asked me what it would take to be satisfied. I immediately thought, well, how about a boyfriend! That would be a great start. God waited for me to think about it some more, and then I remembered that I'd been there before. It didn't satisfy me. When I had a boyfriend, I wanted a husband. I followed that train of thought and realized that even when I have a husband, I'll want kids. When I have kids, I'll want them to be potty-trained. And I'll want them to be better-behaved. And to do well in school and graduate and graduate again and get married and have kids... and eventually I'll want all the time back that I lost wishing for more. Nothing is ever going to satisfy me but God alone. Until I find all of my satisfaction in him and enjoying every single moment with my one true love, my Savior, I won't ever have complete satisfaction.

So then I got to church, and God showed me a picture of my life and my responsibilities. Volunteering with kids, my job, a house, my dog, my family and friends... each one is like a serving of food. Any good parent (or babysitter) knows that you should always start off a kid's plate with little servings of food, because odds are good that the kid won't even finish what you do give him. Now, parents aren't being mean or cruel by doing that. It's not that they don't want their kids to grow or that they want more for themselves. Kids' bodies just can't handle as much food as a grown-up's. God showed me that he believes I'm growing up and that I'm ready for more food. In the last few months I've gotten a dog, a new job, more responsibilities at church, and soon, a new house. God knows what I can handle, and he's given it to me. I don't need anything more... I'd just end up over-stuffed and sick.

Just now I was flipping through TV channels and I came across one channel on which this guy, Bil Cornelius, was speaking. I immediately changed the channel because usually Christian speakers on TV irritate me. I dunno, I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. But for whatever reason, I flipped back to it. He was talking about relationships and how tough it can be to know God's will sometimes. I was struck by what he said after that... he said that "the unclear stuff in the Bible becomes clear when you're actually doing the stuff you know you're supposed to do." He went on to say that 99% of all people, both Christians and non-Christians, will be eliminated from your possible dating list just with that one thing. Most people will be uncomfortable with you doing all that you KNOW you are supposed to do. If you tithe, love people, get involved in the body of Christ, serve, etc. then 99% of people will have a hard time dealing with it. After that, you should look at your circumstances, your desires (as Cornelius explained, if you're doing all God wants, you're also allowing him to shape your desires), and what the Word says and THEN decide.

God, you really do amaze me. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and you had mercy on me. I deserve a heavenly kick in the butt, but you just listened to me crying out and told me exactly what I need to do. I need find my satisfaction in you and put my hand to the tasks that are before me, because you have perfect timing for every good gift you're bringing to my life. (I mean, after all, what's the point of a stylish, cashmere sweater in July?)

God is so good!

Judge Not

I'm one of those people whose emotions seem to spiral out of control sometimes into this endlessly repeating cycle of destructive negativity. For example, I was sitting in the car thinking about stuff in my life I regret. In particular, I've struggled with this one issue for years. Every time I think I've moved past it, it pops right back up again, like one of those Weeble-Wobbles ("weebles wobble but they won't fall down!!"). It's so annoying! I keep thinking about it, and I get mad about my inability to change. I get all discouraged, and then I get mad at myself because what right do I have to be discouraged?! God's done great things in me and for me! Then I start feeling ungrateful and unworthy. God has given me so much, and I can't even give up this one issue. How can I give anything to people when I'm so messed up? Anyway, it gets all kinds of ugly in my head. God really spoke to me the other day about it. He reminded me that he's the only one with the price tags. He's the one who gets to decide what I'm worth. I'm being silly, trying to tell him what my value is. He loves me and thinks I'm worth dying for. He wants me to reach my potential, but he's not angry with me the way I am, or impatient like me, or even really frustrated. He knew all along how I'd be, and he still thought I was worth dying for. Remembering that really helps me to back up off of myself and to give myself some room for error.

What do you want from me?

I am naturally a people-pleaser, and I've always been one, from what I've been told. It makes life hard and it's not what God wants from me or for me, so I'm working on it. ("Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? ... If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Gal. 1:10) Though I am improving, slowly, it still really hurt my feelings the other day when two co-workers became very upset with the way I handled a situation. One of them half-yelled that I should stop being so agreeable. What?! That's probably not what you imagined, right? You probably figured that I'd done something bad or was somehow out of line. No, what made them angry was my attitude of accepting a situation that wasn't the best and that wasn't what I'd been promised.

The world is so double-minded regarding Christians. There's a part of them that wants us to be who we say we are, to live up to the Word. On the other hand, there's a part of them that is eager to see us fail. Our standards make them uncomfortable, and when we fail, they feel as if we're now 'on their level'. They're not sure what they want us to do, but they suspect that they want our conformity. Sometimes, I do want to lower my standards just so people will know for sure that I'm NOT different because I look down on them! No, I'm different because I'm looking up. As tough as it is, we can't change who we are just to make people feel better about themselves (Rom. 12:2).

Unfortunately, it's not just the world that's double-minded. The Bible has nothing good to say about people of two minds (Matt. 5:37, Psalm 119:113, James 1:8, James 4:8) and speaks often about the necessity of devoting ourselves to Christ alone. That means that people-pleasing is not okay. The fact that I was so hurt when my co-workers disapproved of my doing what I saw as godly is not a good sign. I should instead be proud that the worst they can say of me (at least so far!) is that's I'm too agreeable!

Grow Up

I really love the movie "Sky High." If you've not seen it, you should really get on that! In it, the gym teacher calls one of the kids a "whiner-baby." He says it in such an over-the-top condescending voice... it's hysterical!

As funny as it is to see it on the movie, it's not funny at all to realize that you're actually a whiner-baby. No one likes to be immature. As kids, the thing you probably resented most was being called a baby or told you're too little to do something. Think about the number of times you've heard people say "you're SO immature" or "grow up!" It's insulting, even to aduts. But isn't it so easy to act childishly?

This summer has been amazing for me in so many ways, but SHOCKINGLY (note the blatant sarcasm) there are still things in my life that are less than perfect. I know life will never be perfect. I should be used to it. Somehow I'm not. I get my feelings hurt; I feel lonely; I wish that things in my life were different, and so I whine and cry and pound my little fisties, and dream of the imaginary day when everything will be just the way I want it.

God keeps reminding me that he has big plans for me and that I need to wait and be patient. He gave me a great picture of how I need to live based on a 40 hour famine I used to do to raise money with my high school youth group. We fundraised to provide for starving orphans around the world by fasting 40 hours and doing community service during that almost 2 days. Those of us who had done it before threw ourselves into the work and tried hard not to think about food until right at the end of the fast. We knew that the sooner you let yourself think about food, the worse it would be. I feel like the same goes for waiting for God to do something specific in your life. You don't know when he'll move, so you'd best not start thinking too much about what you want to see done.

It's helped me to think like that, but I'll confess that it's not made me completely patient. It's been kind of like a ride I used to ride at an amusement park. You drive this car down a track that has a tall ridge in the middle of it. As long as you're driving straight, you're fine, but when you start to veer off, you get jolted as the ridge keeps the car on the track. God's been keeping me in line, but I keep veering off a little and getting jolted. Better that than crashed on the side of the road!

We were singing a song this morning in church about giving our lives as an offering to the Lord. I was struck by how much I've failed at doing that. 1 Kings 16:34 says that Hiel sacrificed his oldest and youngest sons either on purpose or they died some other way, but both died for the sake of his work (see Josh.6:26). Both biblically and in today's society, the oldest son represents strength, pride, the continuance of the family line, the best of the father. The youngest son is the father's heart, his baby. So Hiel, in essence, gave his strength and his heart for the sake of what he was building. How can I give less to God? It's just so tough sometimes... but God spoke to me this morning about how it's not easy, dying to myself. God is there to comfort me, not to make me comfortable. I need to stop being a whiner-baby!

As Iron Sharpens Iron

I don't know how you are with your friends, but assuming that you're human, I'm guessing that you play the game of Nuh-uh I'm the best. This game has many different variations. At my college, the most common variety was Nuh-uh I'm the most sleep deprived, stressed, and studious. Some variations involved who wasted the most time playing Halo or goofing off in one form or another, but all of the games had one clear winner and a bunch of losers left in awe of the winners ability to _______ (not sleep, study hard, waste time....fill in the blank).

I've realized recently that Christians are finally starting to understand that there are certain things innately a part of humanity that can be used for good or for evil. For example, music. Some people used to claim that music was evil and manipulated emotions. Well, it does influence emotions. The Bible has lots of music (uhm, the whole book of Psalms plus many others) and talks about how we should praise God with music. God knows that music affects us. I'm so thankful for the relatively new Christian music genre! I'm so uplifted by songs that capture my emotions in a way that glorifies the Lord.

I think the 'Nuh-uh' game I talked about is another example of something already in us that can be used for God. We can either tear one another down by trying to be the best at whatever, or we can compare God stories for the betterment of us all! God has done some crazy-awesome things in my life. When I tell my Christian brothers and sisters, they get excited and tell me about what God has done for them. We keep swapping stories, and at the end of it, we all feel like winners. I mean, think about it! Even if I share that God gave me 10 bucks but my friend got $100, I'm still a winner because the same God who gave her $100 is the God who is working in my life. And God is NOT through with me. He has more to do in my life, more blessings to give me so I can bless others. As we share and encourage one another, the 'Nuh-uh I'm the best' game becomes the 'Yes, God IS the best' game. And that's how it's meant to be.