Oh....

Wow. There are so many times when I'm just floored by God, and now is one of them. This past week has been tough on me in a lot of ways. I'm not one who adjusts well to change, even good changes sometimes. Starting my work at school has been really stressful and, as much as I enjoy it, I keep feeling like I'm going to fail, like I'm just not measuring up (and I haven't even really started yet!!) As I mentioned in my last blog, one negative thought generally leads to another in my head, and suddenly I feel as if my whole world is a disaster zone. In particular, I tend to zero in on things I feel like I'm lacking and point them out to God as examples of how nothing is going right. The Big Three I always used to be frustrated by were my lack of home, family, and job. Obviously I had a place to live, and I do have a family, but I really REALLY want a family of my own with several kids and a couple of pets and a nice house and a job I like... it used to drive me crazy that nothing seemed to be coming together to make it all happen! Life just wasn't fitting into my perfect little timeline.

I decided when I was 13 that I'd get married at 23 and get started on the kids (at that time, I was thinking to have around a dozen) somewhere around the age of 25. Well... I'm pushing 25 now. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend, even. I do have a job I love, I do have an awesome dog, I am in the process of buying a fabulous house. Somehow, no matter how much I have, it never seems to measure up to what I don't. God was really speaking to me about that on my way to church on Sunday. He asked me what it would take to be satisfied. I immediately thought, well, how about a boyfriend! That would be a great start. God waited for me to think about it some more, and then I remembered that I'd been there before. It didn't satisfy me. When I had a boyfriend, I wanted a husband. I followed that train of thought and realized that even when I have a husband, I'll want kids. When I have kids, I'll want them to be potty-trained. And I'll want them to be better-behaved. And to do well in school and graduate and graduate again and get married and have kids... and eventually I'll want all the time back that I lost wishing for more. Nothing is ever going to satisfy me but God alone. Until I find all of my satisfaction in him and enjoying every single moment with my one true love, my Savior, I won't ever have complete satisfaction.

So then I got to church, and God showed me a picture of my life and my responsibilities. Volunteering with kids, my job, a house, my dog, my family and friends... each one is like a serving of food. Any good parent (or babysitter) knows that you should always start off a kid's plate with little servings of food, because odds are good that the kid won't even finish what you do give him. Now, parents aren't being mean or cruel by doing that. It's not that they don't want their kids to grow or that they want more for themselves. Kids' bodies just can't handle as much food as a grown-up's. God showed me that he believes I'm growing up and that I'm ready for more food. In the last few months I've gotten a dog, a new job, more responsibilities at church, and soon, a new house. God knows what I can handle, and he's given it to me. I don't need anything more... I'd just end up over-stuffed and sick.

Just now I was flipping through TV channels and I came across one channel on which this guy, Bil Cornelius, was speaking. I immediately changed the channel because usually Christian speakers on TV irritate me. I dunno, I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. But for whatever reason, I flipped back to it. He was talking about relationships and how tough it can be to know God's will sometimes. I was struck by what he said after that... he said that "the unclear stuff in the Bible becomes clear when you're actually doing the stuff you know you're supposed to do." He went on to say that 99% of all people, both Christians and non-Christians, will be eliminated from your possible dating list just with that one thing. Most people will be uncomfortable with you doing all that you KNOW you are supposed to do. If you tithe, love people, get involved in the body of Christ, serve, etc. then 99% of people will have a hard time dealing with it. After that, you should look at your circumstances, your desires (as Cornelius explained, if you're doing all God wants, you're also allowing him to shape your desires), and what the Word says and THEN decide.

God, you really do amaze me. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and you had mercy on me. I deserve a heavenly kick in the butt, but you just listened to me crying out and told me exactly what I need to do. I need find my satisfaction in you and put my hand to the tasks that are before me, because you have perfect timing for every good gift you're bringing to my life. (I mean, after all, what's the point of a stylish, cashmere sweater in July?)

God is so good!