What do you want from me?

I am naturally a people-pleaser, and I've always been one, from what I've been told. It makes life hard and it's not what God wants from me or for me, so I'm working on it. ("Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? ... If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Gal. 1:10) Though I am improving, slowly, it still really hurt my feelings the other day when two co-workers became very upset with the way I handled a situation. One of them half-yelled that I should stop being so agreeable. What?! That's probably not what you imagined, right? You probably figured that I'd done something bad or was somehow out of line. No, what made them angry was my attitude of accepting a situation that wasn't the best and that wasn't what I'd been promised.

The world is so double-minded regarding Christians. There's a part of them that wants us to be who we say we are, to live up to the Word. On the other hand, there's a part of them that is eager to see us fail. Our standards make them uncomfortable, and when we fail, they feel as if we're now 'on their level'. They're not sure what they want us to do, but they suspect that they want our conformity. Sometimes, I do want to lower my standards just so people will know for sure that I'm NOT different because I look down on them! No, I'm different because I'm looking up. As tough as it is, we can't change who we are just to make people feel better about themselves (Rom. 12:2).

Unfortunately, it's not just the world that's double-minded. The Bible has nothing good to say about people of two minds (Matt. 5:37, Psalm 119:113, James 1:8, James 4:8) and speaks often about the necessity of devoting ourselves to Christ alone. That means that people-pleasing is not okay. The fact that I was so hurt when my co-workers disapproved of my doing what I saw as godly is not a good sign. I should instead be proud that the worst they can say of me (at least so far!) is that's I'm too agreeable!

Grow Up

I really love the movie "Sky High." If you've not seen it, you should really get on that! In it, the gym teacher calls one of the kids a "whiner-baby." He says it in such an over-the-top condescending voice... it's hysterical!

As funny as it is to see it on the movie, it's not funny at all to realize that you're actually a whiner-baby. No one likes to be immature. As kids, the thing you probably resented most was being called a baby or told you're too little to do something. Think about the number of times you've heard people say "you're SO immature" or "grow up!" It's insulting, even to aduts. But isn't it so easy to act childishly?

This summer has been amazing for me in so many ways, but SHOCKINGLY (note the blatant sarcasm) there are still things in my life that are less than perfect. I know life will never be perfect. I should be used to it. Somehow I'm not. I get my feelings hurt; I feel lonely; I wish that things in my life were different, and so I whine and cry and pound my little fisties, and dream of the imaginary day when everything will be just the way I want it.

God keeps reminding me that he has big plans for me and that I need to wait and be patient. He gave me a great picture of how I need to live based on a 40 hour famine I used to do to raise money with my high school youth group. We fundraised to provide for starving orphans around the world by fasting 40 hours and doing community service during that almost 2 days. Those of us who had done it before threw ourselves into the work and tried hard not to think about food until right at the end of the fast. We knew that the sooner you let yourself think about food, the worse it would be. I feel like the same goes for waiting for God to do something specific in your life. You don't know when he'll move, so you'd best not start thinking too much about what you want to see done.

It's helped me to think like that, but I'll confess that it's not made me completely patient. It's been kind of like a ride I used to ride at an amusement park. You drive this car down a track that has a tall ridge in the middle of it. As long as you're driving straight, you're fine, but when you start to veer off, you get jolted as the ridge keeps the car on the track. God's been keeping me in line, but I keep veering off a little and getting jolted. Better that than crashed on the side of the road!

We were singing a song this morning in church about giving our lives as an offering to the Lord. I was struck by how much I've failed at doing that. 1 Kings 16:34 says that Hiel sacrificed his oldest and youngest sons either on purpose or they died some other way, but both died for the sake of his work (see Josh.6:26). Both biblically and in today's society, the oldest son represents strength, pride, the continuance of the family line, the best of the father. The youngest son is the father's heart, his baby. So Hiel, in essence, gave his strength and his heart for the sake of what he was building. How can I give less to God? It's just so tough sometimes... but God spoke to me this morning about how it's not easy, dying to myself. God is there to comfort me, not to make me comfortable. I need to stop being a whiner-baby!

As Iron Sharpens Iron

I don't know how you are with your friends, but assuming that you're human, I'm guessing that you play the game of Nuh-uh I'm the best. This game has many different variations. At my college, the most common variety was Nuh-uh I'm the most sleep deprived, stressed, and studious. Some variations involved who wasted the most time playing Halo or goofing off in one form or another, but all of the games had one clear winner and a bunch of losers left in awe of the winners ability to _______ (not sleep, study hard, waste time....fill in the blank).

I've realized recently that Christians are finally starting to understand that there are certain things innately a part of humanity that can be used for good or for evil. For example, music. Some people used to claim that music was evil and manipulated emotions. Well, it does influence emotions. The Bible has lots of music (uhm, the whole book of Psalms plus many others) and talks about how we should praise God with music. God knows that music affects us. I'm so thankful for the relatively new Christian music genre! I'm so uplifted by songs that capture my emotions in a way that glorifies the Lord.

I think the 'Nuh-uh' game I talked about is another example of something already in us that can be used for God. We can either tear one another down by trying to be the best at whatever, or we can compare God stories for the betterment of us all! God has done some crazy-awesome things in my life. When I tell my Christian brothers and sisters, they get excited and tell me about what God has done for them. We keep swapping stories, and at the end of it, we all feel like winners. I mean, think about it! Even if I share that God gave me 10 bucks but my friend got $100, I'm still a winner because the same God who gave her $100 is the God who is working in my life. And God is NOT through with me. He has more to do in my life, more blessings to give me so I can bless others. As we share and encourage one another, the 'Nuh-uh I'm the best' game becomes the 'Yes, God IS the best' game. And that's how it's meant to be.

I Do

I'm a big dreamer, and I always have been. I remember in kindergarten, I wanted to be a farmer's wife so I could collect eggs, milk cows, and ride horses all day long. I planned on having many children so I could send them out to work the fields with their father. Fairly soon after that, I changed my mind and decided to be a ballerina teacher artist. Obviously, I changed my mind about that as well. As a general rule, I get attached to my dreams for a while, then eventually move on to something bigger and better. But the one dream I've always had, the one dream I cherish more than any other, is that of being a wife and mother. I dream of my husband, what he'll be like, and how much we'll love each other. Of all the things I've had to put in God's hands, that dream is by far the hardest.

God and I were talking about my dream of getting married and he asked me a question that completely shocked me. He asked me if I would ever cheat on my husband. I was appalled at the thought, and I couldn't believe that God would even ask me that! God! The one who knows my heart even better than I do! I told God that no, I NEVER would. When I get married, I plan to cherish my husband. I will rub his head when it hurts and fix his dinner and make him feel like the greatest man on Earth. I'll speak life and truth to him... CHEAT on him?! I was confused and almost angry that God could even suggest such a thing. I sobered up pretty quickly, though, when God asked me quietly how I could cheat on Him. Oh. God loves me more than anyone. He loves me even more than my future husband will, and I should certainly love him more than any human! I mean, Christ died for me. He gave me eternal life and every blessing I've ever had. How can I expect to love and honor my imperfect, human husband when I can't dedicate myself to the one who is perfect and loves me with a perfect love? I do cheat on God. I'm perfectly willing to shove my time with him aside if something else needs doing. I pine after this and that and don't focus on the completion I have in him. God is my everything, but I keep seeking more.

Let Go!

Quick note regarding identity. I was watching Dumbo with some kids today, and I was really struck by one particular quote. The elephants were gossiping about Dumbo and how humiliated they were that he had become a clown. They haughtily announced that "From now on, he is no longer an elephant." I was stunned at the sheer stupidity of that statement. What?! How could they just sort of decide that Dumbo was no longer an elephant? He is an elephant. He just is! You can't will him to be something else. It occurred to me that we let people redefine us in ways that just don't make sense. You're a loser. You're uncool. You're incompetent. Whatever it is that people say about us, that's just silliness! They can't define us! Only God can do that, and he's already given us a pretty stellar definition. I mean, literally. He tells us we can (and should) shine like stars.

Anyway, what I wanted to blog about today was forgiveness. Ugh. That's one that I struggle with on a pretty regular basis. To be completely transparent for a sec, I know that one of my big issues with forgiveness is that I tend to struggle with insecurity. The grudges I hold onto most tightly are those that somehow make me feel less than. Like if someone rejects me, or belittles me. I know that the Bible makes it clear that unforgiveness is wrong, but I have such a hard time letting go.

God's been speaking to me a lot about unforgiveness over the years, and he's slowly revealing to me that I'm not the judge. There was a season where that made me really angry. In my frustration, I imagined the crime scene. I was so angry that I was crying as I tried to show God... "Look! Look! There's my blood! I was hurt... I was so hurt, and I'm still scarred. I may never recover. I demand justice! A life for a life, Lord. Mine's been ruined, the evidence is before you, and you just ignore it!" God, in his wisdom and love, pointed to the crime scene in my mind and told me to look again. As I looked, he opened my eyes and I saw that it wasn't my blood after all. It was Jesus's blood all over that place. It was Jesus who was wounded, not me, not really. The people who hurt me were really hurting Jesus. After all, "whatever you did for the least of these... you did for me" (Matt 25:40). And I've hurt Jesus, too.

I've tried to use Jesus as my example. He didn't wait until it stopped hurting to forgive those who hurt him. While he was still on the cross, he asked God to forgive us. God's been telling me to pray for those who have hurt me. It's so funny... I often go to God and really doubt the power of prayer, but as soon as I open my mouth to bless those who've hurt me, I find myself snapping it shut. Apparently, there's a part of me that whole-heartedly believes in the power of prayer. After all, if it were just words, why would it be so hard to pray blessings on my enemies? I find myself afraid that God really will honor my request that he forgive them for what they've done. God spoke to me so clearly this morning about that. He told me that vengence is his, and that he will in love and justice administer whatever punishment is deemed necessary by his perfect measurement. He's already decided what will be done. He told me that when I pray, I'm not changing his heart. I'm changing mine.

Can you imagine what it would be like if we, as a body, stopped allowing anything at all to get in the way of the unity that Christ so desperately wanted us to have? He wanted us to be one as he and his Father are one. What if we all decided to release and throw down before the cross the evidence of the crimes committed against us and let God be the judge?

What's in a Name?

Babysitting is one of my favorite things to do. I love how genuine kids are. They aren't big on false compliments, but they love so easily. I love all the hugs and the various pronunciations of my name (Sheshka, Dekka, Sessica...). They're just so cute and so funny! It's true that kids say the darndest things. A few weeks ago, one four year old buddy of mine asked me who he was. I said his name. He said no. I then said something along the lines of, "You are a man of God with great potential. You are a sweet and wonderful little boy." He smiled and shook his head. Knowing him as I do, I soon correctly guessed that he was pretending to be Alex the lion.

What this little boy couldn't grasp at four years of age was that my statement about him was more true than his notion that he was Alex the lion. He also couldn't understand how much greater what I said was than what he said about himself. How often do we do that with what God speaks over us? God speaks truth and life. He calls us the apple of his eye (Deut. 32:10, Psalm 17:8, Zech. 2:8). He says that we are his beloved (Jer. 11:15, Col. 3:12). He calls us his friends (John 15:15) and brothers (Heb. 2:11). He says that we have a future (Jer. 29:11) and a purpose (Rom. 12:4-8, 1 Cor. 12, Eph. 2:10, 2 Cor. 5:5) and that he chose us (1 Thess. 1:4). What in the world are we thinking to throw away the awesome truth that God speaks over us in favor of inferior lies??? When you say that you're not good enough in whatever way... looks, talent, personality... you're ignoring what God says about you. He made you exactly as you are for a purpose! And how about your reaction to compliments? (Yeah, I got myself with that one, too.) Do you belittle what others say about you because you think you're not as good as they say? Moderation is key. Obviously you don't need to get an over-inflated ego either. Paul has some great advice. "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but think of yourself with sober judgment..." (Rom. 12:3:b).

Let's See Your War Face

On a literal level, I am NOT a runner. I desperately wish I were. I think that jogging is so cool. I see people do it, and they move so fluidly, so naturally, carried along by the strength of their bodies, and I so want to be that person! But from what people have told me and from what I've seen of my reflection in glass or shadows, I look nothing like that. My limbs don't seem to move together. I start wheezing, and by the end of it, I feel like puking. It's just not fun. Figuratively, however, I absolutely love running! Whether it be a bad hair day, an outbreak of acne, yet another time I've said something that made me look like an idiot, or maybe even just feeling like I don't belong for whatever reason, pretty much anything can make me want to run. Suddenly my prayers of "here I am, Lord, send me" become much more genuine! I'm suddenly struck with a godly passion for reaching the world... any part but this one... for the Lord. Or perhaps I'm just suddenly overcome with the wanderlust that has become so typical of our generation. Either way, I convince myself that it's time to move on. Move on to another group of friends, another church, another town, another nation, even. I don't care, just get me out of here!

Despite my natural tendency toward the 'flight' part of the natural fight or flight reaction to conflict, I've realized that I've not been taking on the Lord's perspective. Just as my physical body was apparently not designed for running, neither is my spirit. When I face a battle of any kind, I'm meant to be a warrior! Never a wimp. God was really speaking to me through Exodus 13:17-18. He deliberately steered the Israelites away from a battle that he knew would be bad for their morale. God never sets us up for failure. If we're facing a battle, we can be sure that God believes it to be a worthwhile experience and one that can bring us character! The only battles the Israelites ever lost were those that they took on without God's say-so and those that God used deliberately to humble the Israelites and bring them back to him. Go through the Bible and look up verses on overcoming and battles and you'll see verse after verse about how life is a battlefield but the victory is ours. Yeah, there will be battles. In fact, I'll be shocked if you tell me that you're not struggling with something right now. Fighting sin is a constant struggle! Fighting to walk in total obedience is tough, and that will never go away.

Fortunately for us, there's some great news that might just blow your mind. Peace and war are not polar opposites! They're not like black and white; they're like bread and butter, actually. They belong together. Like I said, war is inevitable this side of Heaven. You will struggle. You will have to sleep, eat, shower, and live all the times in between in your armor, because the battle will seek you out. However, God's peace can also be an always kind of thing. If peace in your life is only for after the battle is over, you are in serious trouble. Bear with me for a sec. The Bible shows us that God is (among other things) Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father, Mighty God, and Prince of Peace. Think about what that means! Wonderful Counselor-- God knows what we need. Mighty God-- God is able to give us what we need. Everlasting Father-- God wants to give us what we need. Prince of Peace-- God's best for us involves his peace.

Okay, so we've established that God knows that we need peace and is willing and able to give it to us. God's peace is a big deal biblically. 247 verses in the NIV deal with peace (check out http://biblegateway.com/). Read Isaiah 26:3, Isaiah 32:17, Isaiah 54:10, John 14:27, John 16:33, and Rom. 15:13. These verses as I understand them refer specifically to mental/spiritual peace rather than living at peace with those around you, which, btw, the Bible repeatedly commands. The gist of what they say (in case you don't have time to read them) is that God's peace is not a "sometimes food" for the soul. We can always live in God's peace, even as the battle is raging around us and even in us. In the words of Paul "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." (2 Thess. 3:16)