Forgiven. And FREE!

Sometimes the most important things are put as number one on my 'Later List.' I know you know what I mean. I need to grade papers. I need to spend time with the Lord. I need to fix my fridge. I need to do laundry. I get myself so stressed out just thinking about all I have to do that I don't do any of it. In reality, if I'd just put first things first Matthew 6:33-style, I'd be just fine. I'd chill out and be in the right place to get done all I need to. Instead, I push my relationship with the Lord on the back-burner and wonder why nothing is going right.

I was beating myself up about my failures this evening. I just felt down and KNEW it was my fault. I've not been spending time worshipping, praying, reading the Bible, listening to the only one who can actually fix things for me. God reminded me of a lesson I learned years ago, when I was working at a day care. When he brings sin to my attention, what he wants is obedience. He doesn't want me to sit there and wallow in my sin. My getting all upset about what a terrible person I am is not the reaction God's looking for. He doesn't draw things to my attention to rub my face in my sin. He wants the best for me, and he wants me to stop getting in my own way! It's how I felt when I disciplined the kids I worked with.

Despite the reminder, I was still really frustrated. I asked God how many times we'd have to go through the same thing. I felt like it was unfair that God had to deal with me and my failures so many times. He brought to mind Jesus' instruction that we should all forgive one another 70 times 7. In other words, we need to forgive one another as often as the other person needs us to. If that's what God expects of us, mere humans, how much more will he forgive me! He already paid the price for every one of my sins. And it's not as if he didn't know how often I'd sin. Unlike the foolish builder in the Bible, God counted the cost before he invested in my life. He knew exactly what it would take to make the plans he has for me happen in my life, but he planned out great things for me, even knowing every step (and misstep) of my life.

Walk In the Light

At this point in the year, it's dark when I get ready to leave for work. I go out every morning in the pitch-black to hook my dog up to his lead. As I head back to the house to grab my stuff and go, there's a part of the path that is in the dark. I know that there's not too much space between where the light shines from the kitchen window and where the porch light hits, and I know the path pretty well at this point, so I carefully pick my way along. The thing is that the porch light is motion-activated, so I have to keep moving if I want the light to come on.

It occurred to me that it's much like that with Jesus. There are moments when I can't really see where I'm going and I have to trust that God is with me, and I have to keep moving. It's reassuring to know that God's word is a lamp for my feet and that God is always with me, so I never have to walk alone in the darkness.

Take it all!

I'm a perfectionist. I'm (slowly) learning how to deal with the fact that I'll never actually be perfect, but it's often a challenge for me to see myself not living up to what I think I should be doing. For example, the other day I was playing the keys for my church's on-campus service. I found out sometime during the second song that I had the keyboard set to the wrong setting, which basically meant that the sound was completely messed up. When I finally realized what was going on, I immediately switched it to the right setting, which turned out to be much louder than what it had been on. Argh!

As frustrated as I was with myself for what seemed to me to be a complete fail, I realized something. God's goodness transcends anything I could ever do. My friends and anyone else in the group that night could still worship the Lord despite my mistakes. After a little while, God revealed to me that I could worship him too, even for my mistakes!

John 13:1-10 talks about how Jesus washed his disciples feet. Peter wanted nothing to do with it; all he knew was that his God was about to wash his dirty, smelly feet! But Jesus told Peter that if he didn't let Jesus wash his feet, he would "have no part" with Jesus. At that, Peter told Jesus that Jesus should wash his hands and head too! Jesus responded that the only part of Peter that was dirty was his feet, that nothing else needed cleaning.

The parts of me that are dirty in my eyes... every thing I've ever thought didn't measure up... Jesus wants to take charge of them. It's so easy for me to hold back and say, "no! You're too holy, don't come near my filth!" But Jesus tells me that I can "have no part" of him until I'm willing to give him everything. Jesus wants my best, yes. He also wants my worst. He wants the things that make me ashamed. He wants the things I can't seem to get right. And you know, it's humiliating to come before my Lord, my king, my love, and present him with my not-good-enoughs. But humility before my God is not a bad thing! When Peter realized that his dirt was a reason for receiving the touch of Christ, he tried to come up with more things that Jesus could clean. My sin and all my failures are reasons for Christ to come touch me, touch my life. No, I'm not going to go out and add dirt to my life to make sure that Jesus keeps on working with me. That would be foolishness! I have plenty of stuff for him to deal with, and I daily add to it without any kind of extra effort on my part. But I can now rejoice in the fact that I'll never quite measure up to perfection, because means that Christ will always be with me, dealing with me. I can sincerely praise him for that.

All About...

One of my cherished daydreams a few years ago was that of becoming a grumpy old lady. I couldn't wait for the day when I could say whatever was on my mind and blame it on my age. I could be cantakerous and loud, and I could have a huge purse into which I'd dump napkins and sugar and ketchup packets from restaurants. I'd carry a cane and whack people who irritated me. I couldn't wait to have everything my way!

God really convicted me about my attitude. He reminded me that there was never going to be a time in which I could do whatever I wanted. I gave God my life, ALL of it, years ago. Still, I keep trying to carve out little corners for myself. Like, this weekend is MINE. Or these 20 minutes are MINE. I get really possessive of my time, and really grumpy when people interrupt me. My students have much the same attitude. I told them today that I would keep them after class 1 second for every time I had to tell them to stop talking. They got so angry! They told me I couldn't do that, that they were just going to walk out. Seriously? 1 second for every time they waste my time? They definitely earned that punishment and more, but they can't get it into their heads that classroom time is my time, not theirs. When will we learn, as followers of Christ, that all our time is His?

My dad told me today that a dear friend of my mother's is going to die within the next couple of days. She's been dying of cancer for a couple of years, but she's now reached the end. He told me about how her attitude, even in these last days, has been one of wanting her death to help her friends and family come to know the Lord. She uses every opportunity, even doped up on morphine, to witness to the people around her. How inspirational! A woman who, in the eyes of the world, has every right to be selfish, and she's selflessly spending her last earthly moments trying to introduce those she loves to Jesus. I can't even imagine what kind of impact I could have on this world if I spent my whole life with that mindset. I can imagine even less what would happen if we all did it. It's God's time.

May the words of my mouth...

The Bible talks a LOT about what we say and how important it is. I am a talker, for sure, and I am so often convicted by what the Bible says about my words and their power. I sort of see myself as a bull in the china shop... I'm big and powerful and clumsy, and every time I turn around, I break something! My mouth is powerful, but I just keep saying things without thinking them through or saying things I really shouldn't. An awful lot of it is just innocent gabbing, but I know that what I say can impact others, and I know I need to be more careful.

One thing I do with my words that I've become increasingly convicted about is complain. Now, I have a lot to complain about, don't get me wrong. But I also have a lot to be thankful for. I know that there's a time and a place for letting off steam, but there comes a point when speaking thankfulness and not frustration is more beneficial to you and to everyone around you. Thumper's mom on Bambi had it right... if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all! How hard would it be for me to change the subject or only talk about the positive aspects of those issues that bug me? At the very least, couldn't I just say one genuine, positive thing for every bad one?

I just started thinking about words and all I've learned about the importance of speaking truth and life into situations when I read an e-mail earlier today. One of my pastors sent me an e-mail of encouragement. It was only a few sentences, but it really made my day. I've spent the entire day (14 hours from the time I left home till I came back) talking with students, parents, co-workers, and various others. I've had 14 hours worth of interactions, and a quick little e-mail that probably took 1 minute to write completely changed my perception about the whole day and made me feel like I can make a difference tomorrow. Words are powerful, and we have got to learn how to wield their power for the Kingdom.

Oh....

Wow. There are so many times when I'm just floored by God, and now is one of them. This past week has been tough on me in a lot of ways. I'm not one who adjusts well to change, even good changes sometimes. Starting my work at school has been really stressful and, as much as I enjoy it, I keep feeling like I'm going to fail, like I'm just not measuring up (and I haven't even really started yet!!) As I mentioned in my last blog, one negative thought generally leads to another in my head, and suddenly I feel as if my whole world is a disaster zone. In particular, I tend to zero in on things I feel like I'm lacking and point them out to God as examples of how nothing is going right. The Big Three I always used to be frustrated by were my lack of home, family, and job. Obviously I had a place to live, and I do have a family, but I really REALLY want a family of my own with several kids and a couple of pets and a nice house and a job I like... it used to drive me crazy that nothing seemed to be coming together to make it all happen! Life just wasn't fitting into my perfect little timeline.

I decided when I was 13 that I'd get married at 23 and get started on the kids (at that time, I was thinking to have around a dozen) somewhere around the age of 25. Well... I'm pushing 25 now. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend, even. I do have a job I love, I do have an awesome dog, I am in the process of buying a fabulous house. Somehow, no matter how much I have, it never seems to measure up to what I don't. God was really speaking to me about that on my way to church on Sunday. He asked me what it would take to be satisfied. I immediately thought, well, how about a boyfriend! That would be a great start. God waited for me to think about it some more, and then I remembered that I'd been there before. It didn't satisfy me. When I had a boyfriend, I wanted a husband. I followed that train of thought and realized that even when I have a husband, I'll want kids. When I have kids, I'll want them to be potty-trained. And I'll want them to be better-behaved. And to do well in school and graduate and graduate again and get married and have kids... and eventually I'll want all the time back that I lost wishing for more. Nothing is ever going to satisfy me but God alone. Until I find all of my satisfaction in him and enjoying every single moment with my one true love, my Savior, I won't ever have complete satisfaction.

So then I got to church, and God showed me a picture of my life and my responsibilities. Volunteering with kids, my job, a house, my dog, my family and friends... each one is like a serving of food. Any good parent (or babysitter) knows that you should always start off a kid's plate with little servings of food, because odds are good that the kid won't even finish what you do give him. Now, parents aren't being mean or cruel by doing that. It's not that they don't want their kids to grow or that they want more for themselves. Kids' bodies just can't handle as much food as a grown-up's. God showed me that he believes I'm growing up and that I'm ready for more food. In the last few months I've gotten a dog, a new job, more responsibilities at church, and soon, a new house. God knows what I can handle, and he's given it to me. I don't need anything more... I'd just end up over-stuffed and sick.

Just now I was flipping through TV channels and I came across one channel on which this guy, Bil Cornelius, was speaking. I immediately changed the channel because usually Christian speakers on TV irritate me. I dunno, I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. But for whatever reason, I flipped back to it. He was talking about relationships and how tough it can be to know God's will sometimes. I was struck by what he said after that... he said that "the unclear stuff in the Bible becomes clear when you're actually doing the stuff you know you're supposed to do." He went on to say that 99% of all people, both Christians and non-Christians, will be eliminated from your possible dating list just with that one thing. Most people will be uncomfortable with you doing all that you KNOW you are supposed to do. If you tithe, love people, get involved in the body of Christ, serve, etc. then 99% of people will have a hard time dealing with it. After that, you should look at your circumstances, your desires (as Cornelius explained, if you're doing all God wants, you're also allowing him to shape your desires), and what the Word says and THEN decide.

God, you really do amaze me. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and you had mercy on me. I deserve a heavenly kick in the butt, but you just listened to me crying out and told me exactly what I need to do. I need find my satisfaction in you and put my hand to the tasks that are before me, because you have perfect timing for every good gift you're bringing to my life. (I mean, after all, what's the point of a stylish, cashmere sweater in July?)

God is so good!

Judge Not

I'm one of those people whose emotions seem to spiral out of control sometimes into this endlessly repeating cycle of destructive negativity. For example, I was sitting in the car thinking about stuff in my life I regret. In particular, I've struggled with this one issue for years. Every time I think I've moved past it, it pops right back up again, like one of those Weeble-Wobbles ("weebles wobble but they won't fall down!!"). It's so annoying! I keep thinking about it, and I get mad about my inability to change. I get all discouraged, and then I get mad at myself because what right do I have to be discouraged?! God's done great things in me and for me! Then I start feeling ungrateful and unworthy. God has given me so much, and I can't even give up this one issue. How can I give anything to people when I'm so messed up? Anyway, it gets all kinds of ugly in my head. God really spoke to me the other day about it. He reminded me that he's the only one with the price tags. He's the one who gets to decide what I'm worth. I'm being silly, trying to tell him what my value is. He loves me and thinks I'm worth dying for. He wants me to reach my potential, but he's not angry with me the way I am, or impatient like me, or even really frustrated. He knew all along how I'd be, and he still thought I was worth dying for. Remembering that really helps me to back up off of myself and to give myself some room for error.