I'm exhausted. Really, really exhausted. I have to drag myself through every day. I don't do a whole lot beyond my job, but I still find myself feeling overwhelmed and completely depleted, like a piece of land that's been over-mined and over-farmed, and now pretty much just sits there, good for nothing but to "grow" rocks. I feel like all the goodness has been sucked out of me. I am a popsicle with no juice. I look around me at my co-workers, my students, my friends, and my church leaders and I try hard to avoid any one-on-one encounters. I'm ashamed. Any one of them could berate me for my failures, and whether they choose to or not, I don't want to chance it. I don't know how to be better; I'm already stretched too thin, and there's nothing I'm doing that I'm willing to give up.
Feeling as I do, it's easy to imagine a future in which I have free time. I dream of spending time with friends, investing in people, working out, and grocery shopping on a more regular basis. I think about how incredible it would be to have one extra day a week, just ONE! so I could catch up on my life. I'd give ANYTHING!
Wait. Wait, that sounds familiar and dangerous to me... oh, yes. The story of Rumplestiltskin. The story of Esau and Jacob. While one is just a fairy tale and the other is actual history, both have this in common. Someone got desperate for a quick fix to a current issue and both gave away their future. Interestingly, the fairy tale ends well. The true story? Well, Esau never gets his birthright back.
I'm tired, yes. But I'm where I need to be. If I choose now to trade away my destiny and my potential for a little rest, my future will be bleak, and I won't be able to change it. No, I'll learn from example and keep trucking.
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