Forgiven. And FREE!

Sometimes the most important things are put as number one on my 'Later List.' I know you know what I mean. I need to grade papers. I need to spend time with the Lord. I need to fix my fridge. I need to do laundry. I get myself so stressed out just thinking about all I have to do that I don't do any of it. In reality, if I'd just put first things first Matthew 6:33-style, I'd be just fine. I'd chill out and be in the right place to get done all I need to. Instead, I push my relationship with the Lord on the back-burner and wonder why nothing is going right.

I was beating myself up about my failures this evening. I just felt down and KNEW it was my fault. I've not been spending time worshipping, praying, reading the Bible, listening to the only one who can actually fix things for me. God reminded me of a lesson I learned years ago, when I was working at a day care. When he brings sin to my attention, what he wants is obedience. He doesn't want me to sit there and wallow in my sin. My getting all upset about what a terrible person I am is not the reaction God's looking for. He doesn't draw things to my attention to rub my face in my sin. He wants the best for me, and he wants me to stop getting in my own way! It's how I felt when I disciplined the kids I worked with.

Despite the reminder, I was still really frustrated. I asked God how many times we'd have to go through the same thing. I felt like it was unfair that God had to deal with me and my failures so many times. He brought to mind Jesus' instruction that we should all forgive one another 70 times 7. In other words, we need to forgive one another as often as the other person needs us to. If that's what God expects of us, mere humans, how much more will he forgive me! He already paid the price for every one of my sins. And it's not as if he didn't know how often I'd sin. Unlike the foolish builder in the Bible, God counted the cost before he invested in my life. He knew exactly what it would take to make the plans he has for me happen in my life, but he planned out great things for me, even knowing every step (and misstep) of my life.

Walk In the Light

At this point in the year, it's dark when I get ready to leave for work. I go out every morning in the pitch-black to hook my dog up to his lead. As I head back to the house to grab my stuff and go, there's a part of the path that is in the dark. I know that there's not too much space between where the light shines from the kitchen window and where the porch light hits, and I know the path pretty well at this point, so I carefully pick my way along. The thing is that the porch light is motion-activated, so I have to keep moving if I want the light to come on.

It occurred to me that it's much like that with Jesus. There are moments when I can't really see where I'm going and I have to trust that God is with me, and I have to keep moving. It's reassuring to know that God's word is a lamp for my feet and that God is always with me, so I never have to walk alone in the darkness.

Take it all!

I'm a perfectionist. I'm (slowly) learning how to deal with the fact that I'll never actually be perfect, but it's often a challenge for me to see myself not living up to what I think I should be doing. For example, the other day I was playing the keys for my church's on-campus service. I found out sometime during the second song that I had the keyboard set to the wrong setting, which basically meant that the sound was completely messed up. When I finally realized what was going on, I immediately switched it to the right setting, which turned out to be much louder than what it had been on. Argh!

As frustrated as I was with myself for what seemed to me to be a complete fail, I realized something. God's goodness transcends anything I could ever do. My friends and anyone else in the group that night could still worship the Lord despite my mistakes. After a little while, God revealed to me that I could worship him too, even for my mistakes!

John 13:1-10 talks about how Jesus washed his disciples feet. Peter wanted nothing to do with it; all he knew was that his God was about to wash his dirty, smelly feet! But Jesus told Peter that if he didn't let Jesus wash his feet, he would "have no part" with Jesus. At that, Peter told Jesus that Jesus should wash his hands and head too! Jesus responded that the only part of Peter that was dirty was his feet, that nothing else needed cleaning.

The parts of me that are dirty in my eyes... every thing I've ever thought didn't measure up... Jesus wants to take charge of them. It's so easy for me to hold back and say, "no! You're too holy, don't come near my filth!" But Jesus tells me that I can "have no part" of him until I'm willing to give him everything. Jesus wants my best, yes. He also wants my worst. He wants the things that make me ashamed. He wants the things I can't seem to get right. And you know, it's humiliating to come before my Lord, my king, my love, and present him with my not-good-enoughs. But humility before my God is not a bad thing! When Peter realized that his dirt was a reason for receiving the touch of Christ, he tried to come up with more things that Jesus could clean. My sin and all my failures are reasons for Christ to come touch me, touch my life. No, I'm not going to go out and add dirt to my life to make sure that Jesus keeps on working with me. That would be foolishness! I have plenty of stuff for him to deal with, and I daily add to it without any kind of extra effort on my part. But I can now rejoice in the fact that I'll never quite measure up to perfection, because means that Christ will always be with me, dealing with me. I can sincerely praise him for that.

All About...

One of my cherished daydreams a few years ago was that of becoming a grumpy old lady. I couldn't wait for the day when I could say whatever was on my mind and blame it on my age. I could be cantakerous and loud, and I could have a huge purse into which I'd dump napkins and sugar and ketchup packets from restaurants. I'd carry a cane and whack people who irritated me. I couldn't wait to have everything my way!

God really convicted me about my attitude. He reminded me that there was never going to be a time in which I could do whatever I wanted. I gave God my life, ALL of it, years ago. Still, I keep trying to carve out little corners for myself. Like, this weekend is MINE. Or these 20 minutes are MINE. I get really possessive of my time, and really grumpy when people interrupt me. My students have much the same attitude. I told them today that I would keep them after class 1 second for every time I had to tell them to stop talking. They got so angry! They told me I couldn't do that, that they were just going to walk out. Seriously? 1 second for every time they waste my time? They definitely earned that punishment and more, but they can't get it into their heads that classroom time is my time, not theirs. When will we learn, as followers of Christ, that all our time is His?

My dad told me today that a dear friend of my mother's is going to die within the next couple of days. She's been dying of cancer for a couple of years, but she's now reached the end. He told me about how her attitude, even in these last days, has been one of wanting her death to help her friends and family come to know the Lord. She uses every opportunity, even doped up on morphine, to witness to the people around her. How inspirational! A woman who, in the eyes of the world, has every right to be selfish, and she's selflessly spending her last earthly moments trying to introduce those she loves to Jesus. I can't even imagine what kind of impact I could have on this world if I spent my whole life with that mindset. I can imagine even less what would happen if we all did it. It's God's time.

May the words of my mouth...

The Bible talks a LOT about what we say and how important it is. I am a talker, for sure, and I am so often convicted by what the Bible says about my words and their power. I sort of see myself as a bull in the china shop... I'm big and powerful and clumsy, and every time I turn around, I break something! My mouth is powerful, but I just keep saying things without thinking them through or saying things I really shouldn't. An awful lot of it is just innocent gabbing, but I know that what I say can impact others, and I know I need to be more careful.

One thing I do with my words that I've become increasingly convicted about is complain. Now, I have a lot to complain about, don't get me wrong. But I also have a lot to be thankful for. I know that there's a time and a place for letting off steam, but there comes a point when speaking thankfulness and not frustration is more beneficial to you and to everyone around you. Thumper's mom on Bambi had it right... if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all! How hard would it be for me to change the subject or only talk about the positive aspects of those issues that bug me? At the very least, couldn't I just say one genuine, positive thing for every bad one?

I just started thinking about words and all I've learned about the importance of speaking truth and life into situations when I read an e-mail earlier today. One of my pastors sent me an e-mail of encouragement. It was only a few sentences, but it really made my day. I've spent the entire day (14 hours from the time I left home till I came back) talking with students, parents, co-workers, and various others. I've had 14 hours worth of interactions, and a quick little e-mail that probably took 1 minute to write completely changed my perception about the whole day and made me feel like I can make a difference tomorrow. Words are powerful, and we have got to learn how to wield their power for the Kingdom.

Oh....

Wow. There are so many times when I'm just floored by God, and now is one of them. This past week has been tough on me in a lot of ways. I'm not one who adjusts well to change, even good changes sometimes. Starting my work at school has been really stressful and, as much as I enjoy it, I keep feeling like I'm going to fail, like I'm just not measuring up (and I haven't even really started yet!!) As I mentioned in my last blog, one negative thought generally leads to another in my head, and suddenly I feel as if my whole world is a disaster zone. In particular, I tend to zero in on things I feel like I'm lacking and point them out to God as examples of how nothing is going right. The Big Three I always used to be frustrated by were my lack of home, family, and job. Obviously I had a place to live, and I do have a family, but I really REALLY want a family of my own with several kids and a couple of pets and a nice house and a job I like... it used to drive me crazy that nothing seemed to be coming together to make it all happen! Life just wasn't fitting into my perfect little timeline.

I decided when I was 13 that I'd get married at 23 and get started on the kids (at that time, I was thinking to have around a dozen) somewhere around the age of 25. Well... I'm pushing 25 now. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend, even. I do have a job I love, I do have an awesome dog, I am in the process of buying a fabulous house. Somehow, no matter how much I have, it never seems to measure up to what I don't. God was really speaking to me about that on my way to church on Sunday. He asked me what it would take to be satisfied. I immediately thought, well, how about a boyfriend! That would be a great start. God waited for me to think about it some more, and then I remembered that I'd been there before. It didn't satisfy me. When I had a boyfriend, I wanted a husband. I followed that train of thought and realized that even when I have a husband, I'll want kids. When I have kids, I'll want them to be potty-trained. And I'll want them to be better-behaved. And to do well in school and graduate and graduate again and get married and have kids... and eventually I'll want all the time back that I lost wishing for more. Nothing is ever going to satisfy me but God alone. Until I find all of my satisfaction in him and enjoying every single moment with my one true love, my Savior, I won't ever have complete satisfaction.

So then I got to church, and God showed me a picture of my life and my responsibilities. Volunteering with kids, my job, a house, my dog, my family and friends... each one is like a serving of food. Any good parent (or babysitter) knows that you should always start off a kid's plate with little servings of food, because odds are good that the kid won't even finish what you do give him. Now, parents aren't being mean or cruel by doing that. It's not that they don't want their kids to grow or that they want more for themselves. Kids' bodies just can't handle as much food as a grown-up's. God showed me that he believes I'm growing up and that I'm ready for more food. In the last few months I've gotten a dog, a new job, more responsibilities at church, and soon, a new house. God knows what I can handle, and he's given it to me. I don't need anything more... I'd just end up over-stuffed and sick.

Just now I was flipping through TV channels and I came across one channel on which this guy, Bil Cornelius, was speaking. I immediately changed the channel because usually Christian speakers on TV irritate me. I dunno, I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. But for whatever reason, I flipped back to it. He was talking about relationships and how tough it can be to know God's will sometimes. I was struck by what he said after that... he said that "the unclear stuff in the Bible becomes clear when you're actually doing the stuff you know you're supposed to do." He went on to say that 99% of all people, both Christians and non-Christians, will be eliminated from your possible dating list just with that one thing. Most people will be uncomfortable with you doing all that you KNOW you are supposed to do. If you tithe, love people, get involved in the body of Christ, serve, etc. then 99% of people will have a hard time dealing with it. After that, you should look at your circumstances, your desires (as Cornelius explained, if you're doing all God wants, you're also allowing him to shape your desires), and what the Word says and THEN decide.

God, you really do amaze me. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and you had mercy on me. I deserve a heavenly kick in the butt, but you just listened to me crying out and told me exactly what I need to do. I need find my satisfaction in you and put my hand to the tasks that are before me, because you have perfect timing for every good gift you're bringing to my life. (I mean, after all, what's the point of a stylish, cashmere sweater in July?)

God is so good!

Judge Not

I'm one of those people whose emotions seem to spiral out of control sometimes into this endlessly repeating cycle of destructive negativity. For example, I was sitting in the car thinking about stuff in my life I regret. In particular, I've struggled with this one issue for years. Every time I think I've moved past it, it pops right back up again, like one of those Weeble-Wobbles ("weebles wobble but they won't fall down!!"). It's so annoying! I keep thinking about it, and I get mad about my inability to change. I get all discouraged, and then I get mad at myself because what right do I have to be discouraged?! God's done great things in me and for me! Then I start feeling ungrateful and unworthy. God has given me so much, and I can't even give up this one issue. How can I give anything to people when I'm so messed up? Anyway, it gets all kinds of ugly in my head. God really spoke to me the other day about it. He reminded me that he's the only one with the price tags. He's the one who gets to decide what I'm worth. I'm being silly, trying to tell him what my value is. He loves me and thinks I'm worth dying for. He wants me to reach my potential, but he's not angry with me the way I am, or impatient like me, or even really frustrated. He knew all along how I'd be, and he still thought I was worth dying for. Remembering that really helps me to back up off of myself and to give myself some room for error.

What do you want from me?

I am naturally a people-pleaser, and I've always been one, from what I've been told. It makes life hard and it's not what God wants from me or for me, so I'm working on it. ("Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? ... If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Gal. 1:10) Though I am improving, slowly, it still really hurt my feelings the other day when two co-workers became very upset with the way I handled a situation. One of them half-yelled that I should stop being so agreeable. What?! That's probably not what you imagined, right? You probably figured that I'd done something bad or was somehow out of line. No, what made them angry was my attitude of accepting a situation that wasn't the best and that wasn't what I'd been promised.

The world is so double-minded regarding Christians. There's a part of them that wants us to be who we say we are, to live up to the Word. On the other hand, there's a part of them that is eager to see us fail. Our standards make them uncomfortable, and when we fail, they feel as if we're now 'on their level'. They're not sure what they want us to do, but they suspect that they want our conformity. Sometimes, I do want to lower my standards just so people will know for sure that I'm NOT different because I look down on them! No, I'm different because I'm looking up. As tough as it is, we can't change who we are just to make people feel better about themselves (Rom. 12:2).

Unfortunately, it's not just the world that's double-minded. The Bible has nothing good to say about people of two minds (Matt. 5:37, Psalm 119:113, James 1:8, James 4:8) and speaks often about the necessity of devoting ourselves to Christ alone. That means that people-pleasing is not okay. The fact that I was so hurt when my co-workers disapproved of my doing what I saw as godly is not a good sign. I should instead be proud that the worst they can say of me (at least so far!) is that's I'm too agreeable!

Grow Up

I really love the movie "Sky High." If you've not seen it, you should really get on that! In it, the gym teacher calls one of the kids a "whiner-baby." He says it in such an over-the-top condescending voice... it's hysterical!

As funny as it is to see it on the movie, it's not funny at all to realize that you're actually a whiner-baby. No one likes to be immature. As kids, the thing you probably resented most was being called a baby or told you're too little to do something. Think about the number of times you've heard people say "you're SO immature" or "grow up!" It's insulting, even to aduts. But isn't it so easy to act childishly?

This summer has been amazing for me in so many ways, but SHOCKINGLY (note the blatant sarcasm) there are still things in my life that are less than perfect. I know life will never be perfect. I should be used to it. Somehow I'm not. I get my feelings hurt; I feel lonely; I wish that things in my life were different, and so I whine and cry and pound my little fisties, and dream of the imaginary day when everything will be just the way I want it.

God keeps reminding me that he has big plans for me and that I need to wait and be patient. He gave me a great picture of how I need to live based on a 40 hour famine I used to do to raise money with my high school youth group. We fundraised to provide for starving orphans around the world by fasting 40 hours and doing community service during that almost 2 days. Those of us who had done it before threw ourselves into the work and tried hard not to think about food until right at the end of the fast. We knew that the sooner you let yourself think about food, the worse it would be. I feel like the same goes for waiting for God to do something specific in your life. You don't know when he'll move, so you'd best not start thinking too much about what you want to see done.

It's helped me to think like that, but I'll confess that it's not made me completely patient. It's been kind of like a ride I used to ride at an amusement park. You drive this car down a track that has a tall ridge in the middle of it. As long as you're driving straight, you're fine, but when you start to veer off, you get jolted as the ridge keeps the car on the track. God's been keeping me in line, but I keep veering off a little and getting jolted. Better that than crashed on the side of the road!

We were singing a song this morning in church about giving our lives as an offering to the Lord. I was struck by how much I've failed at doing that. 1 Kings 16:34 says that Hiel sacrificed his oldest and youngest sons either on purpose or they died some other way, but both died for the sake of his work (see Josh.6:26). Both biblically and in today's society, the oldest son represents strength, pride, the continuance of the family line, the best of the father. The youngest son is the father's heart, his baby. So Hiel, in essence, gave his strength and his heart for the sake of what he was building. How can I give less to God? It's just so tough sometimes... but God spoke to me this morning about how it's not easy, dying to myself. God is there to comfort me, not to make me comfortable. I need to stop being a whiner-baby!

As Iron Sharpens Iron

I don't know how you are with your friends, but assuming that you're human, I'm guessing that you play the game of Nuh-uh I'm the best. This game has many different variations. At my college, the most common variety was Nuh-uh I'm the most sleep deprived, stressed, and studious. Some variations involved who wasted the most time playing Halo or goofing off in one form or another, but all of the games had one clear winner and a bunch of losers left in awe of the winners ability to _______ (not sleep, study hard, waste time....fill in the blank).

I've realized recently that Christians are finally starting to understand that there are certain things innately a part of humanity that can be used for good or for evil. For example, music. Some people used to claim that music was evil and manipulated emotions. Well, it does influence emotions. The Bible has lots of music (uhm, the whole book of Psalms plus many others) and talks about how we should praise God with music. God knows that music affects us. I'm so thankful for the relatively new Christian music genre! I'm so uplifted by songs that capture my emotions in a way that glorifies the Lord.

I think the 'Nuh-uh' game I talked about is another example of something already in us that can be used for God. We can either tear one another down by trying to be the best at whatever, or we can compare God stories for the betterment of us all! God has done some crazy-awesome things in my life. When I tell my Christian brothers and sisters, they get excited and tell me about what God has done for them. We keep swapping stories, and at the end of it, we all feel like winners. I mean, think about it! Even if I share that God gave me 10 bucks but my friend got $100, I'm still a winner because the same God who gave her $100 is the God who is working in my life. And God is NOT through with me. He has more to do in my life, more blessings to give me so I can bless others. As we share and encourage one another, the 'Nuh-uh I'm the best' game becomes the 'Yes, God IS the best' game. And that's how it's meant to be.

I Do

I'm a big dreamer, and I always have been. I remember in kindergarten, I wanted to be a farmer's wife so I could collect eggs, milk cows, and ride horses all day long. I planned on having many children so I could send them out to work the fields with their father. Fairly soon after that, I changed my mind and decided to be a ballerina teacher artist. Obviously, I changed my mind about that as well. As a general rule, I get attached to my dreams for a while, then eventually move on to something bigger and better. But the one dream I've always had, the one dream I cherish more than any other, is that of being a wife and mother. I dream of my husband, what he'll be like, and how much we'll love each other. Of all the things I've had to put in God's hands, that dream is by far the hardest.

God and I were talking about my dream of getting married and he asked me a question that completely shocked me. He asked me if I would ever cheat on my husband. I was appalled at the thought, and I couldn't believe that God would even ask me that! God! The one who knows my heart even better than I do! I told God that no, I NEVER would. When I get married, I plan to cherish my husband. I will rub his head when it hurts and fix his dinner and make him feel like the greatest man on Earth. I'll speak life and truth to him... CHEAT on him?! I was confused and almost angry that God could even suggest such a thing. I sobered up pretty quickly, though, when God asked me quietly how I could cheat on Him. Oh. God loves me more than anyone. He loves me even more than my future husband will, and I should certainly love him more than any human! I mean, Christ died for me. He gave me eternal life and every blessing I've ever had. How can I expect to love and honor my imperfect, human husband when I can't dedicate myself to the one who is perfect and loves me with a perfect love? I do cheat on God. I'm perfectly willing to shove my time with him aside if something else needs doing. I pine after this and that and don't focus on the completion I have in him. God is my everything, but I keep seeking more.

Let Go!

Quick note regarding identity. I was watching Dumbo with some kids today, and I was really struck by one particular quote. The elephants were gossiping about Dumbo and how humiliated they were that he had become a clown. They haughtily announced that "From now on, he is no longer an elephant." I was stunned at the sheer stupidity of that statement. What?! How could they just sort of decide that Dumbo was no longer an elephant? He is an elephant. He just is! You can't will him to be something else. It occurred to me that we let people redefine us in ways that just don't make sense. You're a loser. You're uncool. You're incompetent. Whatever it is that people say about us, that's just silliness! They can't define us! Only God can do that, and he's already given us a pretty stellar definition. I mean, literally. He tells us we can (and should) shine like stars.

Anyway, what I wanted to blog about today was forgiveness. Ugh. That's one that I struggle with on a pretty regular basis. To be completely transparent for a sec, I know that one of my big issues with forgiveness is that I tend to struggle with insecurity. The grudges I hold onto most tightly are those that somehow make me feel less than. Like if someone rejects me, or belittles me. I know that the Bible makes it clear that unforgiveness is wrong, but I have such a hard time letting go.

God's been speaking to me a lot about unforgiveness over the years, and he's slowly revealing to me that I'm not the judge. There was a season where that made me really angry. In my frustration, I imagined the crime scene. I was so angry that I was crying as I tried to show God... "Look! Look! There's my blood! I was hurt... I was so hurt, and I'm still scarred. I may never recover. I demand justice! A life for a life, Lord. Mine's been ruined, the evidence is before you, and you just ignore it!" God, in his wisdom and love, pointed to the crime scene in my mind and told me to look again. As I looked, he opened my eyes and I saw that it wasn't my blood after all. It was Jesus's blood all over that place. It was Jesus who was wounded, not me, not really. The people who hurt me were really hurting Jesus. After all, "whatever you did for the least of these... you did for me" (Matt 25:40). And I've hurt Jesus, too.

I've tried to use Jesus as my example. He didn't wait until it stopped hurting to forgive those who hurt him. While he was still on the cross, he asked God to forgive us. God's been telling me to pray for those who have hurt me. It's so funny... I often go to God and really doubt the power of prayer, but as soon as I open my mouth to bless those who've hurt me, I find myself snapping it shut. Apparently, there's a part of me that whole-heartedly believes in the power of prayer. After all, if it were just words, why would it be so hard to pray blessings on my enemies? I find myself afraid that God really will honor my request that he forgive them for what they've done. God spoke to me so clearly this morning about that. He told me that vengence is his, and that he will in love and justice administer whatever punishment is deemed necessary by his perfect measurement. He's already decided what will be done. He told me that when I pray, I'm not changing his heart. I'm changing mine.

Can you imagine what it would be like if we, as a body, stopped allowing anything at all to get in the way of the unity that Christ so desperately wanted us to have? He wanted us to be one as he and his Father are one. What if we all decided to release and throw down before the cross the evidence of the crimes committed against us and let God be the judge?

What's in a Name?

Babysitting is one of my favorite things to do. I love how genuine kids are. They aren't big on false compliments, but they love so easily. I love all the hugs and the various pronunciations of my name (Sheshka, Dekka, Sessica...). They're just so cute and so funny! It's true that kids say the darndest things. A few weeks ago, one four year old buddy of mine asked me who he was. I said his name. He said no. I then said something along the lines of, "You are a man of God with great potential. You are a sweet and wonderful little boy." He smiled and shook his head. Knowing him as I do, I soon correctly guessed that he was pretending to be Alex the lion.

What this little boy couldn't grasp at four years of age was that my statement about him was more true than his notion that he was Alex the lion. He also couldn't understand how much greater what I said was than what he said about himself. How often do we do that with what God speaks over us? God speaks truth and life. He calls us the apple of his eye (Deut. 32:10, Psalm 17:8, Zech. 2:8). He says that we are his beloved (Jer. 11:15, Col. 3:12). He calls us his friends (John 15:15) and brothers (Heb. 2:11). He says that we have a future (Jer. 29:11) and a purpose (Rom. 12:4-8, 1 Cor. 12, Eph. 2:10, 2 Cor. 5:5) and that he chose us (1 Thess. 1:4). What in the world are we thinking to throw away the awesome truth that God speaks over us in favor of inferior lies??? When you say that you're not good enough in whatever way... looks, talent, personality... you're ignoring what God says about you. He made you exactly as you are for a purpose! And how about your reaction to compliments? (Yeah, I got myself with that one, too.) Do you belittle what others say about you because you think you're not as good as they say? Moderation is key. Obviously you don't need to get an over-inflated ego either. Paul has some great advice. "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but think of yourself with sober judgment..." (Rom. 12:3:b).

Let's See Your War Face

On a literal level, I am NOT a runner. I desperately wish I were. I think that jogging is so cool. I see people do it, and they move so fluidly, so naturally, carried along by the strength of their bodies, and I so want to be that person! But from what people have told me and from what I've seen of my reflection in glass or shadows, I look nothing like that. My limbs don't seem to move together. I start wheezing, and by the end of it, I feel like puking. It's just not fun. Figuratively, however, I absolutely love running! Whether it be a bad hair day, an outbreak of acne, yet another time I've said something that made me look like an idiot, or maybe even just feeling like I don't belong for whatever reason, pretty much anything can make me want to run. Suddenly my prayers of "here I am, Lord, send me" become much more genuine! I'm suddenly struck with a godly passion for reaching the world... any part but this one... for the Lord. Or perhaps I'm just suddenly overcome with the wanderlust that has become so typical of our generation. Either way, I convince myself that it's time to move on. Move on to another group of friends, another church, another town, another nation, even. I don't care, just get me out of here!

Despite my natural tendency toward the 'flight' part of the natural fight or flight reaction to conflict, I've realized that I've not been taking on the Lord's perspective. Just as my physical body was apparently not designed for running, neither is my spirit. When I face a battle of any kind, I'm meant to be a warrior! Never a wimp. God was really speaking to me through Exodus 13:17-18. He deliberately steered the Israelites away from a battle that he knew would be bad for their morale. God never sets us up for failure. If we're facing a battle, we can be sure that God believes it to be a worthwhile experience and one that can bring us character! The only battles the Israelites ever lost were those that they took on without God's say-so and those that God used deliberately to humble the Israelites and bring them back to him. Go through the Bible and look up verses on overcoming and battles and you'll see verse after verse about how life is a battlefield but the victory is ours. Yeah, there will be battles. In fact, I'll be shocked if you tell me that you're not struggling with something right now. Fighting sin is a constant struggle! Fighting to walk in total obedience is tough, and that will never go away.

Fortunately for us, there's some great news that might just blow your mind. Peace and war are not polar opposites! They're not like black and white; they're like bread and butter, actually. They belong together. Like I said, war is inevitable this side of Heaven. You will struggle. You will have to sleep, eat, shower, and live all the times in between in your armor, because the battle will seek you out. However, God's peace can also be an always kind of thing. If peace in your life is only for after the battle is over, you are in serious trouble. Bear with me for a sec. The Bible shows us that God is (among other things) Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father, Mighty God, and Prince of Peace. Think about what that means! Wonderful Counselor-- God knows what we need. Mighty God-- God is able to give us what we need. Everlasting Father-- God wants to give us what we need. Prince of Peace-- God's best for us involves his peace.

Okay, so we've established that God knows that we need peace and is willing and able to give it to us. God's peace is a big deal biblically. 247 verses in the NIV deal with peace (check out http://biblegateway.com/). Read Isaiah 26:3, Isaiah 32:17, Isaiah 54:10, John 14:27, John 16:33, and Rom. 15:13. These verses as I understand them refer specifically to mental/spiritual peace rather than living at peace with those around you, which, btw, the Bible repeatedly commands. The gist of what they say (in case you don't have time to read them) is that God's peace is not a "sometimes food" for the soul. We can always live in God's peace, even as the battle is raging around us and even in us. In the words of Paul "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." (2 Thess. 3:16)

Some 'Splainin'

If you know me at all you already know this. If not, you will now... I stinkin' love connections. I'm fairly convinced that all things connect in some way to all other things. If you know the book Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti, then let me just say that I'm the epitome of spaghetti in my thinking. You can ask me about my day and I'll tell you about my day, which reminds me of some day I had several years ago, which reminds me of something else that happened several years ago... I'm working on cutting my noodles up into manageable bites. Anyway, you have now been forewarned.

My love of connections leads me to find significance in an awful lot of things that may seem pointless. For example, the ladder that I chose as my background for this blog makes me think of going higher in the Lord. If you think about it, it's much safer at the bottom. The higher up you get, the more unsteady the ladder is. When you stand on the top step, it's super dangerous, which is why the little diagram thing makes it clear that you're not supposed to. It's dangerous because you could fall. Well, as I said in my first blog, God is calling me to start doing things that I can't do without him. So spiritually, I'm headed for the very top, and I know for sure that if I fall, God is going to be right there to catch me.

While I'm explaining my blog, I'd like to explain what I want to come out of it. 1) I'd like to be organized in my thinking. Writing to learn is something I hugely believe in as a future English teacher, and I know that writing helps me put my thoughts together and can inspire more in-depth thinking about what God's been saying. It's great reinforcement. 2) I kind of feel like I'm supposed to. I don't know why, but God and I have been chatting about how the why is his business and obedience is mine. He was very nice about it, but I get the point. 3) To encourage. God has so much to say to each one of us and he's made us to fit together like puzzle pieces. As I share with you and you share with me and with others, we start to get a better understanding of God and what he's saying.

Here's what I don't want. Don't be like me where you think if you don't read every single blog entry, you have somehow left something unfinished. Get whatever you can out of whatever entry you read and then go off and hang out with Jesus or whatever else you're up to. I get all OCD about following blogs where I feel like I have to read EVERY one and if I don't then something AWFUL will happen and it never fails that I suddenly have a ton to read and no time and it's just kind of awful. So don't do that.

Keep Walking

This morning I was thinking about some of the junk I've been struggling with and how excited I am that I can more or less view it in a detached kind of way. I've been combatting my ungodly feelings with prayer and praise and humbling myself before the Lord. I'm trying to submit my life to him, and I feel like God has honored my efforts by keeping at bay the general nastiness of my emotional responses to tough situations.

As I was thinking about things, I had this picture of my sin as being like the wall of water God made from the Jordan. If you've seen The Prince of Egypt, you'll have a picture of what I'm talking about. I was picturing the Israelites walking across the Jordan. I know that they walked across on dry land and that the Lord parted the waters for them, creating a wall of water (Exodus 14:21-22). For God, it would have been just as easy to create a dam upstream to hold the water back, or perhaps just make some kind of funnel to suck all the water out. But the Israelites had to walk through the river while watching this wall of water looming over their heads. This morning I was really feeling like my feelings of bitterness, anger, frustration, distrust, sadness, worry, and who knows what all were all stacked up right next to me. I could almost see God holding them at bay. I'm not overwhelmed by any of it, but I can see it right there, so close, threatening. God just reminded me that I need to keep on moving and not be frozen with fear. After all, the Israelites had to keep on walking. They couldn't just camp out by the wall of water. But at the same time, God protected them and made sure they got to the other side safely.

I kind of think that if the Israelites had seen the Jordan all dry without the wall of water, they would have been able to explain it away without God. Maybe some unknown tribe had built a dam. Maybe it had been a particularly dry few years, and the Jordan was just out of water. It was much scarier to have to pass by that wall of water, in part because it meant confronting the knowledge that God was directly involved, and they had absolutely no control. I've found that the more scared I am, the more I have got to trust God. It's not fun to feel out of control and frightened, but I know for certain that I'm going to reach the other side of my Jordan with a stronger reliance on God and a newfound ability to trust him. All I have to do is keep on moving in faith.

He's So Good to Me

God is good (All the time)! All the time (God is good)! Such a sweet call and response! Every time I say it, I feel all churchy and hip in a Jesus kind of way. Like I'm a part of something bigger than myself, like I belong. But I've been doing Beth Moore's Bible Study 'Stepping Up' recently, and she's reminded me that we say (and sing) a lot of things without really thinking about them. So think about that lovely call and response that we often say so flippantly. Either you believe it or not. Is God really good ALL the time?

A few weeks ago my youth pastor was preaching a great word when he suddenly stopped and said my name. Jessica. I jerked my head up and listened as he told me that I'd been dreaming too small, that I'd been expecting too little. He said that I was a planner and that I needed to stop planning things that I could do on my own. Weeping, I tried to write down all he was saying. He stood on a chair and asked if I was hearing him. I was listening, all right... God had my undivided attention. What my pastor didn't know at the time was that I'd started believing that nothing in my life was going to work out. I'd begun making detailed back-up plans for all my life-long dreams, and back-ups for those back-ups. That very morning I had calculated to the $/hour what I would need to make it from month to month, since I was pretty sure I'd never get a job in my chosen field. Strangely, I didn't realize how miserable I was. I figured that was all good enough for me, and I was fairly content with my lot. Suddenly, with that public word from the Lord (accountability is so good!) that came from a speaker who I trusted much more than myself (after all, it's easy to trick yourself into thinking that your wishful thinking is the voice of the Lord), I found myself seeing the world in a completely different way. It's like seeing "white" socks you've had for a few years, then holding them up to brand-new, for-real-white socks. You don't know how skewed your perspective is till it's corrected.

I've started dreaming bigger. When the creator of the universe hands you a signed blank check, that's a pretty easy task. At first, I was a little scared. What if I dream too big and then I'm disappointed? But I know I have to trust God. I remember my 21st birthday and the phone call my parents made to me that day. I was in England, and my parents had already come to visit me, and had already given me my birthday presents. I think I got a couple of DVDs. Anyway, they called me and asked me what I wanted more than anything in the world. I laughed it off and said that I wanted a pony. When they told me that I was getting a car for my birthday, I was completely floored. A CAR?! (Insert long moments of flipping outness here.)

What if the scene had played out differently? What if I'd said that I wanted a car more than anything and they had responded "oh, that's nice! I hope you get one someday. We just wanted to let you know that we're buying you a new shirt. Won't that be nice?" No loving parent would do that, build up the mood and then drop you off a cliff. Well, God describes himself as my father. He would never tell me to dream big so that I can live small. He's telling me to dream big because he has a big life planned for me. I wake up every day now and go to sleep every night excited about my life and my future. I have never felt that way. Ever. I'm not saying that I'm having a super-happy smiley life's all peachy kind of summer. Uh, no. But even when my circumstances are the pits, it's just a pit stop on the way to an incredible destiny that's already laid out for me.

Here's the seriously awesome part. I needed to hear about God's big plans for me in the way that I did for a lot of different reasons. But your not hearing it the way I did does not negate the fact that God's word to me is a word for everyone who loves him! He has big plans for all of us, and we need to start believing that our lives have purpose, that every day is another step toward a better understanding of our destinies in Christ. God has so much in mind for you! He's not a dream-killer... he's a dream-maker and a dream-fulfiller. I mean, he's like the perfect gardener. Would you call a really skilled gardener a plant-killer or a plant-grower? Duh, we'd say a plant-grower. But don't gardeners have to weed? Don't they have to kill some plants and trim some back to mold the garden into their vision?